An Actor's Life

Sparky says silly stuff

My dad, Sparky, is brilliant. He’s a great dad, but he also says amazing things. I spent the night round at the parent’s house last night and mum (also brilliant) reminded me of this gem:

Whilst out shopping for curtains Sparks loudly remarks “Who ever designed these curtains had no taste.” to which the female shop owner replies “Careful, my husband made those.” Not to be deterred Sparky offers up his devastatingly hilarious quip “Looking at you confirms that he’s tasteless!”

Utter gold, made all the more golden by the fact that he thinks that is perfectly acceptable social behaviour. One of mum’s favourite refrains is “Jokes have to be funny dear.” Which is advice we would all do well to heed. Sometimes I get far too caught up in the idea of a joke and forget to check whether the punchline is actually, you know, punchy. For example I was in the pub with an eclectic group of mates a while ago and the ‘laddy’ element were talking sport; rugby, football, NFL etc.. Meanwhile, two of my more, shall we say ‘alternative’ friends declared all sport a waste of time and were having a Top Trumps style conversation about ‘who would win in a fight’.

The match ups ranged from ‘polar bear V shark’ to ‘penguin V walrus’. They weren’t exclusively cold-climate creatures either we had the classic ‘lion V tiger’, ‘4 squirrels V cat’ there were many many battle fought that day. It was when countries got involved that my interest was piqued. Scotland would obviously beat England A) Because I count myself a Scot, and B) Because Scotland holds the majority of Britain’s nuclear arsenal and indeed troops. The point of this story (I haven’t heeded my own advice here have I?) was that eventually the neighbourly squabble of Irelend V England reared it’s head. My mate’s were all in agreement that the emerald isle would crush their historical oppressors, until Pete chimed in with “Yeah, but take Northern Ireland away and they’d lose.” What I said next remains to this day my proudest joke despite not being that funny “No Pete, taking Northern Ireland away was what started this mess in the first place!”

I sat there beaming after that, but no-one laughed. I’d got so caught up with my Have I Got News for You-esque wit that I hadn’t realised it’s not funny. Maybe this is how Sparks felt in that drapery. Work news now: nothing to report. Bloody nothing, not a whiff of an audition. The Naturals are still being my guardian angels though, long may they continue. I did apply for a job that specified “Attractive people only, when we say attractive we mean just that. We are not looking to see people who look like the cast of Shameless.” maybe it was hubris that made me apply, afterall James McAvoy is hardly a minger.