An Actor's Life

I got a little chocolate this morning!

Yeah baby, the Christmas countdown is on. I had the oh so healthy pre-breakfast snack of a little chocoloate snowman, which means it must be December. Very exciting, and tooth-decay inducing. Working in a toga (actually a Tunica) later on in these freezing cold temperatures, which should be fun. However, started the day very promisingly by writing AND printing three fully formed sketches.

Although on readthrough it turns out that only one of them is fully fully formed. And that is the one that I will share with you today. Beware, if you are attending Bon Bon’s Baubles on the 17th of December then this is some of the material we’re using so don’t read it now unless you’re ok spoiling the joke.

Christmas Cop


AU – Comedy gold

I love watching my blog stats over a weekend. You see I don’t post over the weekend because…well because I’m lazy really. It’s weird though, either my readership which is a fairly steady week days knows my patterns and doesn’t bother checking at weekends, or maybe you’re all busy having a weekend yourself and are at work readers. If it’s the latter “Get back to work, data needs entering!” I’m assuming that work-time blog readers are computer based and in some form of data management.

Going back a bit, on the subject of either do you pronounce it ee-thur or eye-thur? Oh you use either I see. Haha, that joke also works with neither if you fancy a bit of variety.

I saw an advert for Woolworths on the telly, they’re back apparently. But only online, which is a huge disappointment because as far as I can tell you can’t do the pick and mix online which was clearly the best part of Woolies. For the record; ‘tasting’ one or two of the delectable sweeties on offer is still stealing and probably the reason the chain went out of business in the first place.

Writing ‘chain’ about dear old Woolworths felt odd then. I mean a chain is like Starbucks, McDonald’s, or Tesco isn’t it? A lefty-fair-trader-right-on-type like myself shouldn’t feel a sense of warm nostalgia for a national chain retailer should I? Maybe it’s all become relative, we’ve accepted that local shops aren’t viable anymore and so recognise the necessity for large-chain brands, but we’d prefer our large chains to be slightly idiosyncratic in nature, a ‘not-quite-sure-what-it-is’ style shop. Basically we want our multi-nationals to all work to the same business model as Woolworths and therefore go bust allowing small local shops to rise again. Ah hah!

Work-wise, good news. Just secured enough December work to keep a Turkey on Tiny Tim’s table. Sadly, it’s all rather 212AD based, but hey I likes my mince pies so I gotta put my face to the grindstone (it’s actually an ulitic Lime but I’m sure you understand). I have a picture to share with you, do you remember my New York cop gig a while ago? Well here’s a shot of me looking a little too much like the cut-price stripper that drunken woman mistook me for.

"Young Man....." Fearg as NYC cop for Natural Theatre Company



No. I don’t have any idea why I’m pouting either/either. I think I must have thought it makes me look tough. It doesn’t. It makes me look constipated.

Tongue twister titters on twitter?
November 17, 2009, 2:58 pm
Filed under: Career Arc | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello people! Yes, we officially have people up in here. Fine, we have person but we’re growing.

So, today I’m still not working, see the definition of actor in my inaugral post. I have however, applied for a role in a tour of Romeo & Juliet in Italy. That’s right imagine giving it “would I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that face” in Verona itself? Would be good, huh?

I’ve been working on some more sketches for the show on the 17th of December too. Keeping it Radio 4 friendly, so lots of wordy jokes so far. I’m currently working on some more tongue-twister material as our Peter Piper police went down so well last time;

ME – Tell us what you know!
HEF – I can’t say it.
ME – Tell us!
HEF – It’s too difficult to say.
HEF – Ok, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
ME – I knew it, but we need evidence, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Did you see where he went?
HEF – Round the ragged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
ME – Damn. He must of had an accomplice.
HEF – Uh, huh.
ME – Who?
HEF – Betty.
ME – Betty?
HEF – Betty.
ME – What’s she doing mixed up in this?
HEF – Betty’s bankrupt.
ME – Betty’s bankrupt? How?
HEF – Well, Betty bought a bit of butter, but the bit of butter Betty bought was bitter. So Betty bought a better bit of butter, to make the bitter butter better.
ME – And what does Betty do these days?
HEF – She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

If that’s not funny, try getting a mate to say it out loud with you. It takes a little rehearsal but is a winner with middle class crowds. Anybody that has well-known tongue-twisters to share please do leave them in the comments.

My plans for the rest of the day include going for Mexican with an old mate, will give me a chance to use one of my favourite ‘bad’ jokes – “Why should you never eat Mexican cheese? ‘Cos it’s nacho cheese!” Gold. Some people think it’s racist but it’s not. I will elaborate.

‘Racist’ comedy was very much in vogue up until fairly recently, then it went underground for a bit and now is back in the mainstream with the caveat of being ‘ironic’. I have a slight problem with ironic racism due to the fact that even if you’re saying “We’re both too clever to actually think that all black people are stealing our stereos, but it’s a funny stereotype isn’t it?” You’re still perpetuating the stereotype that causes ethnic minorities to be victimised by police and moronic bigots. I hate casual racism, but love the image conjured up; two Klan members leaning against a wall smoking a black guy walks past “Shall we lynch him?” “No, can’t really be bothered.”

Anyway, I’ve strayed from my original point, which was that my Mexican joke isn’t racist. Neither is a joke about June Sarpong being brown and sticky, she is brown in colour and has arms like twigs. Simply mentioning race and colour isn’t in itself racist, it’s just observation. Racism comes when you attribute qualities universally to a race, for example all black people are thieves. Or even positive attributes like “All chinks are clever” Ok the racial slur in that one helps. So jokes about people’s colour aren’t intrinsically racist. Not funny, but true.

I’ll see you tomorrow when I will single-handedly…type for a bit.

The meaning of life.
November 16, 2009, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Career Arc | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Hey hey,

So, there is officially no-one out there reading this. Or at least no-one has read my first post as yet. Including me, proof reading is at best, obsessive at worst ,vanity. Still I will continue with my babblings on what it is to be an actor. But first I will follow through on last posts promise of solving the meaning of life, it’s in the dictionary between lieutenant and lift and means; the relatively short and painful bit between birth and death.

Well there we go. A lot of people spend a lot of time worrying about getting their work/life balance in order. My immediate worry for these people isn’t so much the balance as the fact that they appear to either hate their jobs so much they consider them outside of life or, far more worryingly, are the professional undead. My work/life balance is on an even keel with both being comfortably within the realms of mediocre; I’m not wildly successful, but no pauper, I don’t sky dive whilst coked up to my eyeballs, neither do I so jigsaws in a cardigan made of cats.

I was working all day Friday so sorry for no posting, not that anyone was left in suspense as nobody read it, still though sorry. The job on Friday was a bit of a giggle, up to our nation’s fair capital to provide comedy cops for a New York themed christmas party. It was at the very lovely Somerset House complete with ice rink, I’m hoping for some photos to be Emailed my way and rest assured if I get them you’ll be the first to digitally ignore them. The evening basically consisted of shouting “Hey you! What’s in the bag? Come on lady on the side walk, the SIDE WALK! Get out of here! etc” All in cod New Yoika. There was one memorable incident when a rather drunk woman thought I was a stripper and tried to take off my shirt only for her child to ask “Mummy what are you doing to that nice policeman?” Which sobered her up a bit.

That is all, good day.