An Actor's Life

AU – Comedy gold

I love watching my blog stats over a weekend. You see I don’t post over the weekend because…well because I’m lazy really. It’s weird though, either my readership which is a fairly steady week days knows my patterns and doesn’t bother checking at weekends, or maybe you’re all busy having a weekend yourself and are at work readers. If it’s the latter “Get back to work, data needs entering!” I’m assuming that work-time blog readers are computer based and in some form of data management.

Going back a bit, on the subject of either do you pronounce it ee-thur or eye-thur? Oh you use either I see. Haha, that joke also works with neither if you fancy a bit of variety.

I saw an advert for Woolworths on the telly, they’re back apparently. But only online, which is a huge disappointment because as far as I can tell you can’t do the pick and mix online which was clearly the best part of Woolies. For the record; ‘tasting’ one or two of the delectable sweeties on offer is still stealing and probably the reason the chain went out of business in the first place.

Writing ‘chain’ about dear old Woolworths felt odd then. I mean a chain is like Starbucks, McDonald’s, or Tesco isn’t it? A lefty-fair-trader-right-on-type like myself shouldn’t feel a sense of warm nostalgia for a national chain retailer should I? Maybe it’s all become relative, we’ve accepted that local shops aren’t viable anymore and so recognise the necessity for large-chain brands, but we’d prefer our large chains to be slightly idiosyncratic in nature, a ‘not-quite-sure-what-it-is’ style shop. Basically we want our multi-nationals to all work to the same business model as Woolworths and therefore go bust allowing small local shops to rise again. Ah hah!

Work-wise, good news. Just secured enough December work to keep a Turkey on Tiny Tim’s table. Sadly, it’s all rather 212AD based, but hey I likes my mince pies so I gotta put my face to the grindstone (it’s actually an ulitic Lime but I’m sure you understand). I have a picture to share with you, do you remember my New York cop gig a while ago? Well here’s a shot of me looking a little too much like the cut-price stripper that drunken woman mistook me for.

"Young Man....." Fearg as NYC cop for Natural Theatre Company



No. I don’t have any idea why I’m pouting either/either. I think I must have thought it makes me look tough. It doesn’t. It makes me look constipated.


I share with you a short.
November 27, 2009, 6:06 pm
Filed under: Just funny | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Today I give you a script. It is a script for a short comedy film for two male actors. It is filled with profanity, so if you are either young or easily shocked don’t read it. It’s also vaguely Guy Ritchie-esque, so if you don’t like shoddy imitations don’t read it. It’s actually been shot once, but finding the time to edit it has been WAY down on the list of priorities. I’ll try to get on that and share it with you if I find it.

Readership is growing all the time for which I am thankful. If you like my writing/whittering, please do continue to visit or better still subscribe! If I can get enough subscribers I can start making a little bit of ad-revenue. Sorry to be so mercenary but you’ve read about my current employment status.

Anyway, onto the script. I hope you enjoy.

Opening Up

Turkey Pardoning?
November 26, 2009, 9:38 am
Filed under: Career Arc, Just funny | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Gotta love America. I mean over here in Britain we have our fair share of idiosyncratic/idiotic rites and rituals, but I’m not sure we’ve got one this good. Check out the most powerful man in the world doing a bit of stand up, and then pardoning a bird. Correct me if I’m wrong but to pardon something doesn’t it have to have committed a crime or error of some kind? What is it that all turkey’s have done wrong? Do turkey’s carry the burden of original sin heavier than humans? I don’t know, but the video of the pardoning is actually pretty funny. Obama is well aware of the nature of the task and handles it with class as you would expect.

Still though. A turkey pardoning?

This blog may be borrowed.
November 25, 2009, 11:07 am
Filed under: Career Arc, Just funny | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I said WORD UP! WOAAH! Hows it hanging my blogalicious mutherflipsters? You still kicking it old school, up in the webdizzle with Fearganizzle bringing the shizzle to the grizzle. There eyes was like Boom full a suprise!

I’d like to take this opportunity to show mad love for the “winners at the academy rattling your anatomy that’d be J5 so kill all your fake platapies” If anyone has any idea what a platapie is I’d love to know. I’m think it’s either a bastardization of platitude or possible the inbred cousin of a platypus. Duck billed or other wise.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef! Boom. Got it off a bog roll. No joke, a hilarious product that is toilet paper printed with gags. It’s name? Crap jokes. Genius.

Trying to write a sketch based on Dick Whittington and his talented Pussy (see the Vietnamese stage show it’s unbelievable) to London town. In London the streets are paved with gold. Not true, they are infact paved with tarmac or any other non-brand affilated ashfelt but the ashfelt gets so worn in our far capital that it has to be held together with gum. That’s right Londoners who spit their vile masticated rubber onto the floor for you to step in with your brand new Manalohs aren’t being rude ignorant knobheads but are in fact doing their civic duty. I may have lied twice in that sentance. They are knobheads and you aren’t wearing anything other than three year old green flashes.

Whilst that needs work yesterday I wrote two sketches for 17th December, which is very exciting. Are you excited? Is it because of our news or because of the free porn you’re streaming in the other window? Procrasturbate: The wank you have just to kill time. Not my joke Lucy Porter’s she’s a very funny lady, plus I would, bonus. I said bonUS nothing else, keep you’re head in the game and put that down. There is no nudity here, although I can do this – ( . )( . ) He he Boobs. Or this- ) . ( He he Navel. Or this – Nope I got nothing. Shame on you for hoping.

I leave with with two jokes that will guarantee you being though of as a genuine wit (or something that rhymes with wit at least)

When someone says “Put the kettle on.” Your answer must always, ALWAYS, be “Nah, wouldn’t suit me.”

When someone says “How did you sleep?” The correct answer is “With my eyes closed.”

Oh yeah! AU comedy gold.

Remember people the greatest heckle is silence.

November 24, 2009, 12:20 pm
Filed under: Career Arc, Just funny | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m a little alliterative addict, I can’t seem to stop spouting similar starting sounds. It’s  a bit of a bore because before this the thoughts I thought were thoroughly thought through whereas now nothing need notify the slightest semblance of sense as long as its potentially partially prickly to pronounce.

Sorry, about that just a little exercise for me there. Today I’m back down the Baths and whilst I’m sure you all love my Roman anecdotes I have a feeling there’ll be plenty more days where I have nothing else to blog about. So today I’m going to crack open the New Old Friends vault. New Old Friends is the theatre company I run with Josh Golga (follow his tweets), last year we wrote and performed our debut show Mate. It went down well and led to a run in London, which in turn led to the offer of further runs. However, due to the logistical pressures that staging your own work puts you under we declined, returned to Bath for a triumphant finale and left Mate as a pleasant memory.

Josh is now primarily focused on his film work although plans are afoot for something to reunite us creatively. The company keeps moving forward down here in Bath with a regular sketch slot at a cabaret night. I’m currently writing for the December gig, and whilst doing so looking back over past material I realised there is some seriously good stuff in Mate. I thought I’d share one of the edgier skits with you.

Josh – Who would be the weirdest person to have sex with?
Me – Um… Your mum?
J – More unthinkably wrong than weird. No weird would be like Jesus.
M He’d be awesome in bed! Think about it he’s the son of God.
J Yeah, and it’d be doubly weird for him because if you got really in to it, and let’s face it you would, you’d start shouting out his dad’s name!
M That’s good. Really good. Hang on… I think I’ve got a winner. The bloke who does the voice-overs at the cinema.
J Why’s that weird?
M Well for a start he’s a disembodied voice. Plus think about it; he’d be doing his thing, then -“Coming soon…ME.”
J – Yeah, that’d be pretty funny. 

There is more after that, but some of the gags rely on prior plot developments and is potentially more offensive than that already written.

Sparky says silly stuff

My dad, Sparky, is brilliant. He’s a great dad, but he also says amazing things. I spent the night round at the parent’s house last night and mum (also brilliant) reminded me of this gem:

Whilst out shopping for curtains Sparks loudly remarks “Who ever designed these curtains had no taste.” to which the female shop owner replies “Careful, my husband made those.” Not to be deterred Sparky offers up his devastatingly hilarious quip “Looking at you confirms that he’s tasteless!”

Utter gold, made all the more golden by the fact that he thinks that is perfectly acceptable social behaviour. One of mum’s favourite refrains is “Jokes have to be funny dear.” Which is advice we would all do well to heed. Sometimes I get far too caught up in the idea of a joke and forget to check whether the punchline is actually, you know, punchy. For example I was in the pub with an eclectic group of mates a while ago and the ‘laddy’ element were talking sport; rugby, football, NFL etc.. Meanwhile, two of my more, shall we say ‘alternative’ friends declared all sport a waste of time and were having a Top Trumps style conversation about ‘who would win in a fight’.

The match ups ranged from ‘polar bear V shark’ to ‘penguin V walrus’. They weren’t exclusively cold-climate creatures either we had the classic ‘lion V tiger’, ‘4 squirrels V cat’ there were many many battle fought that day. It was when countries got involved that my interest was piqued. Scotland would obviously beat England A) Because I count myself a Scot, and B) Because Scotland holds the majority of Britain’s nuclear arsenal and indeed troops. The point of this story (I haven’t heeded my own advice here have I?) was that eventually the neighbourly squabble of Irelend V England reared it’s head. My mate’s were all in agreement that the emerald isle would crush their historical oppressors, until Pete chimed in with “Yeah, but take Northern Ireland away and they’d lose.” What I said next remains to this day my proudest joke despite not being that funny “No Pete, taking Northern Ireland away was what started this mess in the first place!”

I sat there beaming after that, but no-one laughed. I’d got so caught up with my Have I Got News for You-esque wit that I hadn’t realised it’s not funny. Maybe this is how Sparks felt in that drapery. Work news now: nothing to report. Bloody nothing, not a whiff of an audition. The Naturals are still being my guardian angels though, long may they continue. I did apply for a job that specified “Attractive people only, when we say attractive we mean just that. We are not looking to see people who look like the cast of Shameless.” maybe it was hubris that made me apply, afterall James McAvoy is hardly a minger.

Will Smith by default
November 20, 2009, 11:26 am
Filed under: Career Arc, Just funny | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

So I have been getting some heat from some people about not representing Will Smith enough in this blog. I say some people, I mean one. I say heat, he mentioned it in passing. It was Josh, the other half of New Old Friends the theatre company I run. We are both big fans of the Big Will. For those of though that don’t know Will Smith, firstly WHY? Secondly, get yourself some Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff, Willenium or Big Willy Style, or maybe Independance Day, Bad Boys, Men in Black it’s all good. The first section is Mr Smith rapping his way into your heart, with his polysyllabic rhymes, that are clean “All you rappers talking about who you put in a hearse, do me a favour write just one first without a curse” The second lot are some of the silliest, most outlandish, flat our ridiculously enjoyable movies out there.

Quite how he became some a bastion of cool is a mystery to me. Lets review the facts; born an averagely attractive young guy with sticky out ears in Philadelphia he goes on to become the most profitable star in the Hollywood firmament. He started off rapping on the corner with his buddy Jeff. JEFF? Jeff is not a cool name, and speaking of cool names did you know our hero’s moniker is originally Willard? Come on. If you can over come Willard and those ears just by rapping on a corner, excuse me I’m off to rhyme my arse off at the A4 / A39 T-junction.

Sadly, I can’t rhyme and stay in time. I draw the line at using crime to make this life of mine seem fine. Still I shouldn’t whine, I have still got my mime. There we go, I think you can see why I’m not off to battle Jay-Z just yet. I shall in fact keeping plugging my comedy wares around the circuit, by circuit I mean mainly anyone who will employ me. Ross and Rachel just kissed for the first time – apologies for the Friends interruption, but it is a rather cute moment. This blog is messy. I shouldn’t blog whilst watching DVDs and talking to my beautiful lady. I will try to salvage it with more photos from my vault of comedy characters.

Fearg as Natural Theatre Company's Literary Gardners

Fearg on the left as the Natural Theatre Company's Literary Gardners which he helped devise.